A “YUPPIES’ TALE. Once upon a time there lived a charming “yuppie” in a penthouse, atop a skyscraper in the heart of Sydney. Although our “yuppie” had all the material things money could buy, such as a Club Sports Holden, an Omega watch, designer suits, and even a private box at the Opera, he found himself very lonely. He seemed to have plenty of friends, but when put to the test his so called “friends” failed him. All they seemed interested in was his worldly possessions and not in himself. After all he was just an ordinary, run of the mill type “yuppie.” “Alas”, cried he, where can I find a true friend who will just love me for what I am. The waitress at the trendy coffee lounge heard his cries and after picking up the tip, gave him this advice. “Go out and get yourself a dog – you silly ass, “ she advised. So out he went and bought himself a dog – not just any dog – a standard poodle on which he lavished the best of everything. But our “yuppie” friend had a thing about flowers, growing them, that is. And on the roof of his penthouse, on the skyscraper high above Sydney Harbour, he had this beautiful potted garden of flowers. He had them artfully arranged so that they hid the pure ugliness of the rooftop and the cornice around his penthouse. But to his dismay, his elegant poodle also had a penchant about flowers – But his thing was to lift his leg and water the flowers. This dreadful habit was the first rift that grew in the relationship of the yuppie and his dog. When the bad news reached the ears of the helpful waitress, she again offered him invaluable advice. “ Yuppie”, she said,” perhaps a course in Dog Obedience will be helpful in solving the problem”. What a wonderful idea, thought the Yuppie. So home he went to his penthouse and his fingers did the walking through the yellow pages until he found the phone number and address of the Redfern Dog Obedience Club. He enrolled in the classes and both he and the poodle were doing very well. Eager to stay ahead of the ordinary people and their dogs he decided to train the dog himself. His dog had now progressed to the “stays”. So he obtained the manual and started to practise at home. . “Down your dogs” the lesson read. – present the palm of your hand to the dog’s muzzle, command “STAY’ and back away one step, then another and then another. On the fifth backward step, our Yuppie friend tripped over a potted petunia, plunged over the cornice and plummeted 34 stories downward to a sad end. And that dear Obedience people, is how the exercise came to be known as “The long down with the handler out of sight.” (back to top)

GONE TO THE DOGS There was a time, there really was, When I was young and tender. When “Show Dog” meant a Disney star and “bitch” was not a gender. I went to bed at half past ten, I went to church on Sunday. On Saturday, I baked the beans, and did the wash on Monday. But then I got a certain pup. An erstwhile friend said “Show”. And so I did, and so I do, Oh, what I didn’t know. Once I dressed with flair and style, That was the life- don’t knock it. Now every dress from bed to ball Must have a good bait pocket. I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume. I used to smell like Nuit d’Amour, Now I smell like Mr Groom. My furniture was haute décor, My pets a tank of guppies Now I’ve furniture that is un-stuffed, And well adjusted puppies. I used to long for furs and jewels. and a figure classed as ‘super’ But now the thing I long for most, Is a nice new pooper scooper. I was taught to be well groomed, No matter where I went. Now all the grooming that I do Is in my little tent. While once I spoke in pristine prose, In dulcet tones and frail, I now am using language. That would turn a sailor pale. I adored a man tho murmured verse Through intimate little dinners, But now the words I like to hear, Are just 3 – Best of Winners. I really love my doggy life, I wouldn’t care to change it. But when I win that Best in Show, I could maybe re-arrange it. And when my days on earth are done, I’ll go without much nudging. Just give me 3 weeks closing time, And let me know who’s judging. (back to top)

I’M STILL LEARNING How long have you been with dogs? I asked this old chap at the show. Forty –odd years and more, He replied. Then there’s not much that you Wouldn’t know. I’m still learning, he said, I’m still learning. And it made me ponder a while On those who knew it all in three months, And I gave him a ghost of a smile. You could tell he’d have none Of the new-fangled He was old-fashioned right down to the core. But I’ll bet when judges Gathered together His name would rank up there in the fore. He would have hunted and shot over dogs Before most of us had been born He’s sat in the woods And with them scented before dawn. He’s bred, shown, paraded and judged, He knew it all outside from in. “But I’m still learning,” he said. “I’m still learning.” With his quiet, unobtrusive small grin. So all we ringside Johnny-come Latelies, All we experts, who own just ONE pup, Remember that old guy’s forty years Of “still learning” And for goodness sake learn to SHUT UP. Author unknown (back to top)

KENNEL BLIND Though some folks think I am, I'm not; Though YOU perhaps show signs, But in us it's surely justified: Just LOOK at our dog's lines! They really can't be faulted, Which is more than some can say, And the pups WE'VE bred are perfect, And will beat the lot, someday. You certainly have reason To be SLIGHTLY kennel blind; Your dogs ARE bred from my dogs, And there ARE no faults in mine! But doesn't it just sicken you To hear that Mrs. Bing Has PUPPIES from her ghastly pair Due later in the Spring? You wonder that she had the NERVE To breed from "A" and "B;" He's crippled; and she's cowhocked; And they surely have HD. (You can see it in their movement,' No matter WHAT the vet's say. I wonder why folks waste their time And money on an x-ray?) Remember when her import Beat my dog? Well, I'm no prude, But I hear on good authority The judge that day was stewed! Reminds me of the dog from East That always wins at shows But only under judges That the owner really knows. And how about the dog from West That won the other day?! I hear the owner had THAT judge Around her place to stay! Exhibitors are a jealous lot I'm sure you will agree; They seldom have a good word For the winner...but not me! I never mind when beaten By a better dog than mine; But he's not been born--AND NEVER WILL-- AND I'M NOT KENNEL BLIND!!!!!! Author Unknown (back to top)